


Cool Teen Meme Team(TM)

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, F/F, F/M, Friendship, M/M, don't watch anime it'll make you gay, groupchats can get pretty intense, i mostly just want them to have fun roasting each other as pals, it isn't pretty, karkat gets kinkshamed on multiple occasions, none of the pairings are set in stone tbh, none of them are free of sin, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-11 04:44:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7029130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CG: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING</p>
<p>or</p>
<p>The homestuck kids have a groupchat. Hijinks ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. daddy

**Author's Note:**

> here we go

carcinoGenetecist >>> Cool Teen Meme Team(™)

CG: LISTEN UP ASSHOLES  
CG: ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY  
CG: WHO WANTS TO FUCKING MURDER ME

TG: literally everyone

EB: :0

GG: ooooooh fucking roasted!!!! good one dave

TG: thank you jade

TT: Don’t encourage him. You’re being an enabler.

TG: @rose <3 suck my ass

TT: <3 I’d rather die.

EB: not that the strilonde theatrics aren't entertaining and all  
EB: but what are you talking about karkat?

CG: I’M TALKING ABOUT FIRST DEGREE MANSLAUGHTER  
CG: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT

EB: ???

TG: see the thing is dude i don't think anyone ever knows what you're talking about

CG: HEY EVERYONE! STRIDER’S GONNA GIVE US HIS TAKE ON THE SITUATION!  
CG: BETTER LISTEN UP IT’S PROBABLY IMPORTANT

TG: i have rights

GG: karkat just say what's up already

TT: The suspense is killing me

CG: I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED KANKRI “DAD”

GG: omg

TA: oh 2weet je2u2

EB: w o w

TT: Oh my.

TG: haha dude you must’ve endured the longest heartfelt speech of the fucking millennia oh man

CG: YEAH FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT IT ASSHOLE  
CG: I’VE GOT HIS BROTHERLY LOVE COMING OUT MY ASS

TG: yikes

GG: ;;;;;;;)

EB: HA

CG: WAIT THAT CAME OUT WRONG  
CG: THE POINT IS  
CG: HE’S EVEN MORE OVERBEARING THAN USUAL  
CG: SOMEBODY MEET ME IN THE FUCKING PIT AND KICK MY ASS  
CG: THEN LEAVE ME THERE TO DIE

TG: the fucking pit?  
TG: is that your name for your sex dungeon?

TT: Oooh, now that one I like.

TG: <3

TT: Why do you always do this?

TG: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

CG: STRIDER, LALONDE, WHEN I FINALLY SNAP YOU’LL BE THE FIRST ONES TO GO  
CG: YOUR DEATHS WILL BE SWIFT AND BRUTAL

GG: lol!!!

EB: @karkat this is some freudian shit right here. you should talk to rose if you want  
EB: because psychiatry

CG: WHAT I WANT IS TO FUCKING DIE

TT: And why is that?

CG: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

TT: Interesting.

GG: *takes notes* now how does that make you feel?

TA: hii2 plea for death ii2 repre2entatiive of hii2 iinten2e feeliing2 of 2elf loathiing

CG: LITERALLY DID NOT ASK

GA: Friends. It Is 11 In The Evening. I Am Trying To Sleep.

TG: turn off notifications for the chat then

GA: I’m Afraid I Cannot

EB: why not?

GA: I Do Not Know How

TG: #savekanaya2k16

TT: Couldn't you turn off your phone?

GA: I Need It On Because I Used It To Set An Alarm  
GA: My Job At The Library Starts Early

GG: basic

GA: Hey.

TT: @Jade Says the one who works at a flower shop

GG: <3

TT: <3

TG: what the fuck rose  
TG: jade gets non sarcastic hearts but i don't?  
TG: fuck yourself

TT: No.

EB: @kanaya well geez i guess you're stuck listening to karkat’s daddy issues

CG: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK I DON'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES

GG: that sounds like something someone with daddy issues would say!!

TG: astute observation detective harley

GG: thank you david

GA: Karkat It Is Not As If You Haven’t Referred To Me As “Mom” Before

TG: oh shit  
TG: how the turntables  
TG:

CG: FUCKING

EB: ok but am i the only one who's not at all surprised by this

CG: KANAYA

TA: fuckiing anniihiilated

TG: karkat has a mommy kink

EB: AND a daddy kink

GG: hot

TT: Not uncommon for someone who grew up without real parents.

CG: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ROSE STOP DIAGNOSING ME RIGHT NOW

EB: im kinkshaming

TA: ^ 2ame  
TA: kk you a freak

CG: GUYS STOP

GG: it’s ok karkat, we’re not judging you  
GG: hard

EB: yeah!  
EB: none of us are free of sin

TG: yeah but especially karkat  
TG: god will never see you in his forgiving light again  
TG: you said the word “daddy” and now it's too late

CG: I DIDN'T CALL HIM DADDY YOU SICK FUCKS  
CG: I CALLED HIM DAD  
CG: NO INFANTILE SUFFIX TO BE SEEN

TT: You seem awfully defensive

CG: LITERALLY FUCK OFF LALONDE

EB: karkat the only reason we give you such a hard time is because you make it so easy

GG: ^^^

TG: ^^^^^^

GG: <3

TG: <3

EB: 8===D

TA: cla22y

GA: What Is That?

TG: #savekanaya2k16


	2. anime made me gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TT: Straight witch hunt.  
> TT: Burn them in their horrible fashion, next to all their sports memorabilia.  
> TT: As you're tying them to the stake remember to say “no homo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: "Cool Teen Meme Team(TM)" used to be the name of my squad's groupchat. We later changed it to "betty is illiterate", lovingly naming it after my friend Betty, who is a clown

**ectoBiologist >>> Cool Teen Meme Team**

 

**EB:** guys 

**EB:** remember that time i said i was straight 

 

**TT:** Yes 

 

**GG:** yep

 

**TG:** which time

**TG:** you assert your heterocity a lot

 

**CG:** I SMELL AN IDENTITY CRISIS

 

**EB:** well the thing is 

**EB:** i’m not 

 

**GG:** whomp there it is

 

**TT:** We know, sweetheart. 

 

**TG:** holy shit

**TG:** well i fuckin didn't

 

**GA:** John We Are All Very Proud Of You

 

**GG:** ^^^ <3 <3 <3

 

**TG:** ^^^^^^^

 

**TA:** ^

 

**EB:** thanks mom and friends  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

 

**CG:** FUCKING JOIN THE CLUB EGBERT

**CG:** LOOKS LIKE WE’RE FINALLY WEEDING OUT THE HETEROSEXUALS IN OUR GROUP

**CG:** TWO TO GO

 

**GG:** wait what?

 

**TG:** show me the heteros

**TG:** i want NAMES

 

**TT:** Straight witch hunt. 

**TT:** Burn them in their horrible fashion, next to all their sports memorabilia. 

**TT:** As you're tying them to the stake remember to say “no homo.”

 

**GG:** guys what the hell who are the straights??

 

**CG:** YOU AND SOLLUX

 

**TA:** lol 2orry m8 but nah

 

**CG:** SERIOUSLY?

 

**TA:** ya

 

**CG:** OH

 

**GG:** karkat

 

**TG:** jade is hella gay too what are you talking about

 

**CG:** WHAT

**CG:** SINCE WHEN

 

**TT:** Since “Legendary Girl Utena” in seventh grade 

 

**GG:** anime made me gay

 

**TG:** same

**TG:** kamina from gurren lagann

 

**GA:** Sailor Moon

 

**TA:** ouran hiigh2chool ho2t club

**TA:** kyoya can get iit

 

**EB:** ^ same tbh 

 

**CG:** WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING

 

**TG:** ok but honorable mention to all the boys from the iwatobi swim club

 

**TT:** And let's not forget Cardcaptor Sakura 

**TT:** A beacon of light for gay fourth graders the world over. 

 

**GG: *** applause*

 

**TA:** ^

 

**TG:** ^^

 

**EB:** ^^^ 

 

**CG:** AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T HAD A SEXUAL AWAKENING BECAUSE OF ASIAN CARTOONS

 

**TG:** alright dude then tell us

**TG:** who made you gay

**TG:** who did this to you

 

**CG:** NO ONE

 

**GA:** I Believe It Was Equius.

 

**GG:** NO

 

**TG:** no fucking way

 

**EB:** BULLSHIT

 

** TA: ** very tempted two turn off notiifiicatiion2 for the chat at thii2 moment 

 

**TT:** Well 

**TT:** Jesus fucking Christ. 

 

**CG:** KANAYA WTF IS NOTHING SACRED

 

**GA:** Oops

**GA:** Anyway I Don't See The Problem

**GA:** Equius Is One Of The More Sane People We Know

 

**TG:** no i mean hey it's cool man that's legit

**TG:** so you like horse cock

**TG:** nothin wrong with that

 

**CG:** I HATE ALL OF YOU

 

**EB:** karkats daddy kink was strike one 

**EB:** this is strike three 

**EB:** its so bad we had to bypass strike 2 im sorry man 

 

**GG:** yay now im not the only furry!!!

 

**TT:** Yes, now you two can bond over your shared interests. 

**TT:** Far away from the rest of us. 

 

**GG:** *sad puppy noises*

 

**TT:** Stop that. 

 

**TG:** you guys make your own groupchat with nepeta and equius but don't bring that filth in here

**TG:** this is a respectable chat

 

**GA:** What Is A Furry?

 

**TT:** So innocent. 

 

**EB:** so pure 

 

**GG:** oH BOY

**GG:** oh kanaya have i got news for you

 

**GA:**?

 

**TA:** @ga 2omeone who ha2 2trayed from god2 liight two the poiint of no return

 

**GA:** That

**GA:** That's Basically All Of Us

 

**TG:** yeah but at least we’re not karkat

 

**CG:** OH FUCK YOU ALL

**CG:** I CAN'T TELL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ANYTHING

 

**GG:** kids, no matter how bad things get, just remember

**GG:** at least you're not karkat

 

**EB:** amen 

 

**TT:** Amen. 

 

**TG:** a fucking men

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they always find a way to steer the conversation in a direction where they can roast karkat. poor fella.


	3. howie mandel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TG: i gotta tell somebody before i fucking explode  
> TG: just fucking combust right here in this classroom  
> TG: blood and guts everywhere  
> TG: it’ll be like a scene from a nonsensical horror movie  
> TG: little monsters 2: the explodening

**turntechGodhead >>> tentacleTherapist **

 

**TG:** rose we did something bad 

 

**TT:** Who is “we”? 

 

**TG:** me and john 

**TG:** ok it was me but john gave me the idea 

 

**TT:** Do go on. 

 

**TG:** alright 

**TG:** so you know how vriska is kind of a douchebag 

 

**TT:** Oh absolutely. 

 

**TG:** alright so 

**TG:** during class just now she was doing her thing 

**TG:** you know 

**TG:** being a bag of douche and just generally kinda crazy 

**TG:** and john and i go “what the fuck” 

**TG:** “this can't go on” 

**TG:** and then we notice she's got a bottle of aj on her desk 

**TG:** sweet delicious aj 

 

**TT:** You know what? 

**TT:** I think I know where this is going and I’m going to have to ask you to stop. 

 

**TG:** no please i need this 

**TG:** i gotta tell somebody before i fucking explode 

**TG:** just fucking combust right here in this classroom 

**TG:** blood and guts everywhere 

**TG:** it’ll be like a scene from a nonsensical horror movie 

**TG:** little monsters 2: the explodening 

 

**TT:** Dave.

 

**TG:** sorry 

 

**TT:** Proceed with your confession 

**TT:** If you must 

 

**TG:** right 

**TG:** so she's got this unassuming bottle of aj on her desk 

**TG:** and she just gets up and leaves to go be a douche somewhere else i guess 

**TG:** and she just left it there man 

**TG:** it wasn't my fault 

 

**TT:** Get it out of your system, Dave. 

**TT:** I am here for you. 

 

**TG:** so john is sitting next to me 

**TG:** and we’re both watching this go down 

**TG:** and he says to me “we gotta ‘little monsters’ her” 

**TG:** and i said “dude” 

**TG:** and he just looked at me all determined and rose i swear it just happened 

 

**TT:** Well. 

**TT:** What the fuck. 

 

**TG:** it seemed like a funny prank at first but now we’re both just sitting here waiting for her to take a sip 

**TG:** i might just fucking faint if she does 

 

**TT:** Well, she should have thought about monster!Howie Mandel before she decided to act like such a douche all the time. 

 

**TG:** that's what i’m sayin 

**TG:** but i still feel bad 

**TG:** if she ever finds out it was me she’s gonna slit my throat in my sleep 

**TG:** i mean i think everyone except terezi’s constantly living in fear of vriska anyway 

**TG:** but this is like advanced terror right here 

**TG:** i think i need to go into the witness protection program 

 

**TT:** Dave, calm down. 

**TT:** She won't have any proof it was you. 

 

**TG:** i guess that's true 

**TG:** but this stays between us right? 

 

**TT:** Of course, Dave. 

 

* * *

 

 

**tentacleTherapist >>> Cool Teen Meme Team(™)**

 

**TT:** Dave pissed in Vriska’s apple juice. 

 

* * *

 

 

**turntechGodhead >>> tentacleTherapist **

 

**TG:** you know sometimes i think “why am i unhappy?” 

**TG:** i’ve got a pretty good life 

**TG:** i’ve mastered the art of badass swordsmanship and ironic mind games 

**TG:** i’m the author of a sweet ass webcomic 

**TG:** my friends are ok i guess 

**TG:** but i’ve still got this lowkey feeling that won't leave me alone 

**TG:** that something’s wrong 

**TG:** like when you leave the bathroom after taking a shit and go “wait a minute, did i remember to flush?” 

**TG:** i mean, of course you did, right? 

**TG:** you always flush, it's like a reflex 

**TG:** you probably just did it subconsciously and don't remember 

**TG:** and even though you know that's probably all it is, you still can't shake this feeling that you forgot to do it 

**TG:** and that your shit is still there 

**TG:** waiting 

**TG:** that's what my life is like 

**TG:** and you rose lalonde 

**TG:** you’re the shit i forgot to flush 

 

**TT:** Are you upset because I told everyone that you pissed in Vriska’s apple juice? 

 

**TG:** you mean right after you promised to never tell anyone? 

**TG:** no rose 

**TG:** no i’m not 

 

**TT:** I love you, Dave. 

 

**TG:** stop 

 

**TT:** <3 

 

**TG:** don't text me your lies rose 

**TG:** that heart isn't real 

 

**TT:** Who's my favorite little brother? 

 

**TG:** two months rose 

**TG:** that's all you have on me 

 

**TT:** You are! 

 

**TG:** wench 

 

**TT:** <3 <3 <3 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! First off, I can't believe how positive all the feedback on this fic has been! So wow. Thanks for that. You guys are awesome!  
> Buuuuut, this week I'm gonna be on a class trip, so I won't have time to update. But don't worry! I'll try and post the next chapter as soon as I get back! Thanks for reading!!  
> P.S. so you'll notice Rose refers to Dave as her "little brother", and that Rose is two months older than Dave. So in this fic they're half siblings who share the same dad.


	4. w.v.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CG: WHAT
> 
> TG: WHAT
> 
> EB: WHAT
> 
> GG: WHAT
> 
> TA: WHAT
> 
> GC: WH4T

ectoBiologist >>> Cool Teen Meme Team(™)

EB: guys i feel like this chat is missing some people

EB: like the meme team (™) isn't complete

TG: word 

TG: man i wish the mayor had a phone

TT: Oh not this again

TG: what was that tone?

GG: uh oh

EB: rose it's not worth it

TT: He’s a toddler.

TT: Why you think he would make a good addition to this chat eludes me.

TG: rose

TG: if you are anything other than fuckin ecstatic at the mere mention of that adorable little guy we’re gonna have a fuckin problem

TT: How do you know he's adorable?

TT: You’ve never even seen his face, it's always hidden by his weird, post-apocalyptic vagabond costume.

TT: And why do you call him Mayor? You know he's not really a Mayor, right? He's our five year old neighbor.

TG: rose can i live

TT: I mean

TG: you fucking traitor

GG: what is his real name anyway?

TG: beats the fuck outta me

TG: i just know his initials are W.V.

TT: Maybe Wayward Vagabond?

TT: Because of his costume.

TG: no rose that's fucking stupid that couldn't possibly be it

GG: william velociraptor

TG: we’re getting closer

EB: aaaaaaanyway

EB: i was thinking more along the lines of tavros or something

CG: GAMZEE?

EB: err…

GG: karkat he creeps me out tbh

TG: yeah i second that

TG: we’re in almost every class together and i’ve never ever heard him talk

TG: he just sits there

TG: smiling

EB: and he's always got weird clown paint on his face what's up with that?

TA: juggalo

CG: HE’S GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW

TT: That's what they said about that serial killer who kept the remains of his victims in his freezer.

CG: GUYS COME ON

CG: HE'S FUCKING WEIRD BUT HE'S NO SERIAL KILLER

EB: why does this feel so…

EB: …meta?

TG: i’ll add tz

TG: only then can the meme team (™) truly be complete

EB: uuuuuuugh

turntechGodhead added gallowsCalibrator

GC: WH4T UP SLUTS

CG: OH, TEREZI

CG: WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING THE POSSIBILITY OF GAMZEE BEING A SERIAL KILLER

GC: 1’D 4SK WHY 1F TH1S W3R3 4B0UT 4NY0N3 3LS3 BUT Y0U KN0W WH4T TH4T 4CTU4LLY M4K3S S3NS3

CG: OK WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT

GG: the real question is, why don't you?

EB: yeah karkat

EB: what are you gay

GC: 3GB3RT L1T3R4LLY 3V3RY0N3 1N TH1S CH4T 1S G4Y

EB: geez terezi it was a joke

EB: and i never told you i was gay, how did you know???

GC: H4T3 T0 BR34K 1T T0 Y0U BR0 BUT 3V3RY0N3 KN3W

TT: ^

GA: ^^

CG: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

EB: what?????

TT: I’ve mentioned this to you before, John.

EB: i thought it was a joke????

TG: ok next time you people think someone’s gay tell me because i literally had no idea

GG: heh

GG: why do you care so much?

TG: i don't

TG: i just wanna be in the fucking loop

TG: clued in on all the hot goss

TG: know the 411

TG: *insert another thing that nobody says anymore*

GC: L3TS T4LK 4B0UT S0M3TH1NG N0T B0R1NG

GA: Did We Have Any Homework Due Tomorrow Other Than The English Essay?

CG: WHAT

TG: WHAT

EB: WHAT

GG: WHAT

TA: WHAT

GC: WH4T

TT: Kanaya, you've turned them all into Karkat.

GC: K4N4Y4 1 S41D S0M3TH1NG “N0T B0RING”, N0T FUCK1NG T3RR1FY1NG

GA: My Apologies

GA: I Assumed You All Knew?

GC: K4N4Y4 L00K M3 1N TH3 3Y3S 4ND T3LL M3 1 S33M L1K3 TH3 TYP3 0F P3RS0N WH0 D03S H0M3W0RK

GA: This Is A Virtual Conversation

GA: But Yes Fair Point

CG: AND JUST LIKE THAT

CG: MY ENTIRE DAY

CG: FUCKING RUINED

TG: but you're ALWAYS miserable

TG: this can't be that much worse for you

CG: NOT TRUE

CG: USUALLY ON THE EMOTION SCALE I’M A 0/10

CG: BUT THEN KANAYA HAD TO COME ALONG

CG: NOW I’M IN THE NEGATIVES

CG: I WON'T GIVE YOU A SPECIFIC NUMBER BECAUSE IT'S LITERALLY TOO SMALL FOR ANYONE BUT ME TO FUCKING UNDERSTAND

CG: I’M IN FUCKING ANGUISH

CG: THANKS KANAYA

TA: kk are you ok

GA: It Is Not My Fault That You All Refuse To Do Your Homework

TG: what is even going on in that class

TG: i feel like i haven't actually been present there in like 3 years

GG: same

GG: it’s just so boring

EB: for real…

GC: FUCK TH1S 1’LL JUST D1TCH T0M0RR0W 4ND WR1TE 1T TH3N

TT: She wants us to email it to her.

GC: N0

EB: there is no escape

TG: you know what no

TG: fuck this

TG: i ain't bullshitting my way through some shitty essay that won't even reflect how i actually personally feel about something

TG: and instead is just me figuring out how to most effectively put into words what that fucking vacuum of creativity wants to hear

TG: just for 1) a grade that doesn't even matter in the grand scheme of things and 2) so i can conform to the education system’s warped vision of intelligence

TG: because quite fucking frankly i have better things to do with my time

EB: *mic drop*

GG: GO OOOOOOOOOOOFF

CG: WOW

GC: LM40 JUST S3ND 1N TH4T

GA: Impressive

TT: Don’t be too impressed.

TT: He just texted me privately to ask what the topic was

TG: you traitorous fucking bitch

GA: Hey

TG: sorry

TG: traitorous fucking LADY

GA: Better And Yet Not Really

EB: dave what the hell YOU’RE the traitorous lady

GG: you betrayed the meme team (™) dave

GC: JUD4S

CG: YES

CG: FINALLY

CG: SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ME IS GETTING ROASTED

CG: PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR ASS CEREMONIOUSLY HANDED TO YOU STRIDER

TA: 2ee now that you 2aiid that ii 2uddenly have the urge two roa2t you

EB: yeah…

GG: ha true

GC: S4M3

CG: OH COME THE FUCK ON

GG: w.v. = winthrop vagina

TG: we’ve fucking got it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh i finally updated! Sorry it's been so long..... unfortunately there's gonna be another short hiatus because tomorrow I leave for Europe, and I'll have limited internet access there. But I'm not done with this fic yet so don't worry!
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> all i can say is i'm sorry  
> for more garbage visit luftballons99.tumblr.com


End file.
